3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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