I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
