Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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