a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
3 2 1 whiskey
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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