I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
