i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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