Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
