My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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