My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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