Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
