Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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