please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
