Farmville is her only friend.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
