At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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