I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
