When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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