You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize