Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
