Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
