you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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