She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
