We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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