Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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