Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
