You just made me feel so damn special
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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