There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
