You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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