"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
