In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
