I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
