i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
