I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
