Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
