Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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