So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
