ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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