she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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