hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
