with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
