1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
