She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
