Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
