I wish I could punch you in the face.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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