I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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