I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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