Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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