I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
