i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
