im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
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