three words: i give head
three words: not that well
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
