Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So vagazzling was a success
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
