Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize