Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
COCAINE IS GR8
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
