dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
