Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
