Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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