ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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