Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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