Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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