Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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