if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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