walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Fuck appropriateness.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
